Things are always worse at midnight.

So pretty much since my last update I realized
(a) FUCK CAL POLY.
(b) FUCK CAL POLY
(c) FUCK CAL POLY

I've pretty much realized that the school is a horrible fit for me. I honestly was trying to tailor it to my liking because of a boy. I mean, my boyfriend of three years but pretty much, a boy. As nice as San Luis Obispo is, It gets small extremely fast. I really haven't been that happy since I moved here either. Being able to spend time with Elliott has been really great, but I don't really feel like this place is for me. I haven't really made any friends, I mean clearly because I'm sitting in doing homework with Elliott on a saturday night. I'm kind of the last to know about fun stuff like parties. I constantly find myself longing for my friends and family. I know at least with them I would never be alone. And I guess thats what I've sort of been feeling is alone.

I have pretty much decided that Fall 2011 I will be enrolling at UCSD. Moving back so San Diego and trying to save up some money and think about what I want to do next. I guess part of me is looking for something to fall apart so I can move home this summer. I genuinely want to find new experiences and meet new people, but that ideal kind of blew up in my face this year. I have never felt so alone or out of my element. But part of me is holding out hope that things will work out for me, and things seem so much worse at midnight.

I always have been the type of person that knew instinctively what was the best thing for me, and right now I'm in a conundrum. I can't differentiate my feelings. Whether love is strong enough for me to stay somewhere I'm not particularly fond of and where everything is kind of a dead end. Or if I can suck it up, do the long distance thing again (I know I'll get used to it again). I just don't know.