Things are always worse at midnight.

So pretty much since my last update I realized
(a) FUCK CAL POLY.
(b) FUCK CAL POLY
(c) FUCK CAL POLY

I've pretty much realized that the school is a horrible fit for me. I honestly was trying to tailor it to my liking because of a boy. I mean, my boyfriend of three years but pretty much, a boy. As nice as San Luis Obispo is, It gets small extremely fast. I really haven't been that happy since I moved here either. Being able to spend time with Elliott has been really great, but I don't really feel like this place is for me. I haven't really made any friends, I mean clearly because I'm sitting in doing homework with Elliott on a saturday night. I'm kind of the last to know about fun stuff like parties. I constantly find myself longing for my friends and family. I know at least with them I would never be alone. And I guess thats what I've sort of been feeling is alone.

I have pretty much decided that Fall 2011 I will be enrolling at UCSD. Moving back so San Diego and trying to save up some money and think about what I want to do next. I guess part of me is looking for something to fall apart so I can move home this summer. I genuinely want to find new experiences and meet new people, but that ideal kind of blew up in my face this year. I have never felt so alone or out of my element. But part of me is holding out hope that things will work out for me, and things seem so much worse at midnight.

I always have been the type of person that knew instinctively what was the best thing for me, and right now I'm in a conundrum. I can't differentiate my feelings. Whether love is strong enough for me to stay somewhere I'm not particularly fond of and where everything is kind of a dead end. Or if I can suck it up, do the long distance thing again (I know I'll get used to it again). I just don't know.

I am not complaining, just venting. I realize I sound like a douche.

I thought I was beyond the whole emo blog post thing. Mostly because emo is one of the most overused and misunderstood words in our culture, but mostly because I thought that's so high school. I'm strong, I'm powerful, I'm resilient. And I am, but I guess I'm not immune to the sporadic emo blog post thing, I think thats the thing about humanity, is that nobody is immune to the occasional emo blog post thing.

So pretty much the biggest emo thing in my life right now is that I got waitlisted at Cal Poly. Its not so much the not getting in thing that hurts. I was waitlisted, so clearly they think I'm a good enough candidate to at least lead on, if not admit if a spot opens. Its not that Cal Poly is my dream school, not to brag, but I've already gotten into way better schools than Cal Poly. Its more so the symbol of the whole thing.

A) I've worked so hard to meet all the requirements and get good enough grades to be an outstanding candidate. Sleepless nights, constantly running on empty pushing myself to meet the expectations. I pushed myself during one of the most physically trying times to keep pressing on and meet my goal. So to get waitlisted is sort of a big slap in the face. It just gives me the impression that no matter how you try, life doesn't listen to reason and sometimes you just get fucked.

B) Speaking of getting fucked, I feel like I just plain deserve this. I'm not trying to sound entitled or spoiled. I have had the most taxing two years of my life, physically and emotionally. I overcame a major illness, with what I think was great integrity and strength. I dealt with the physical and mental repercussions that came along with that battle, mostly mental. I've become a completely different person, stronger, smarter and more able than ever to do pretty much whatever I want, which is the blessing in disguise with this whole lesson. Not to mention, I've been dealing with immense family drama, two very upsetting deaths of two close friends of mine who were very influential figures to me during my fight. Lost to the very demon that I fought so hard to beat. As many blessings as i've had in the last two years, I have also had a lot of extremely arduous times that made me wonder why me? I feel like I deserve this. I worked so hard and overcame a lot of adversity to rise above and make something of myself. Again, its kind of a big slap in the face to my psyche. It gives me the impression that hard work and perseverance get you absolutely nowhere. You can be a completely intellectually devoid, trust fund fucktard and get everything handed to you with little to no effort. I could probably get in if my dad wrote a fat check to the university, but like most American's, its just not in the means.

So really, I have no idea what I want to do. I'm fortunate to have a very prestigious fallback university virtually always open for re-enrollment for me. However, right now, my happiness is here. I've grown to like it here. Even though I still feel like I don't fit in and that my antics make me stick out like a sore thumb here, I feel like I've become ok with being alone and not having to depend on others for happiness, which is a huge accomplishment for me. Wow...tangent...so anyways, I feel like prestige isn't as important as being happy, and moving back to Los Angeles right now, back to the craziness and vastness of a major city would overwhelm me, and I really just want to focus on school. This is my ideal town for a college and an ideal situation. I just want things to work out.

Lately I've just been feeling extremely vulnerable being human. I feel like life is so fragile, you hear about horrible things happening in the world and it makes you feel so small and insignificant. Its overwhelming and taxing just to think about everybody and everything else out there and realize you're nothing but a tiny speck in the spectrum of the whole game.

Its times like these, when its late at night, I can't sleep and I feel sad, anxious and lonely because everybody else went out to see a movie and didn't really tell you about it, where I can't help but reflect on everything i've been through, everything that's happened, and pray to God that all of this is character building.

Hmm...

Just updated my livejournal for the first time in 188 weeks.
I should be studying stats but thats not happening.
I'm trying to make tumblr happen but I am just confused.
I am so so so so broke right now! I need a job but the Cuesta department of student services that I interviewed to work for hasn't called me back.

I totally realize that I'm in the completely wrong place to be doing what I want. But I think this is for the best right now.

I'm just too tired to rationalize right now. Also my art project is fucked.

Dismal but true...

I don't think I am ever going to end my very passionate, but very damaging relationship with shoes.