I know I have said this before, but I will say it again. I feel like I am incapable of having a very good blog because the only times I ever resort to blogging is when I feel depressed and alone. I realize it but it seems that I can never manage to break that cycle.
It is however very cathartic:
I'm becoming very sick of the person that I am. I am incapable of living in the moment, I am very spiteful of people, I make myself sick with worry, I put so much unfair pressure on myself. I am not a nice person, I am judgmental and I hold a grudge like no other. I feel like even my closest friends think I'm a nutcase and distance themselves from me, and its my fault. I honestly feel like if I knew me, that I would hate me.
I can't help but feel like I've been left behind by everybody. I feel like while I was in treatment and recovering, everybody else moved on, grew up, and made new friends. After I "awoke" from this little bubble I had been in, I noticed that people had made new friends and were doing new things. Whereas I had stayed the same. It has made me realize that there is really nothing left for me in San Diego. Most everybody is gone, everybody is moving on and I cannot stay the same person I have become. Feeling this way has turned me into a very spiteful, reclusive person and I feel like staying here will only exacerbate everything.
Writing blog posts like this is like drunk dialing...in the morning you feel stupid and wish you didn't do it.
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